becoming honest

Becoming honest has been a quiet thought I’ve been coming back to a lot in the last month. Honesty has always been something I valued, something I thought was one of my highest values but in truth, maybe it was something I consciously valued in relation to others, but not so much to my own self. Because lately I’ve started to turn the question inwards, and it has felt.. new. 

I think it’s really easy to self-gaslight. To tuck emotions away, wall away certain thoughts and fears, and even deny the way your body and nervous system feels. The scary part is that these things can be done instinctively, subconsciously, so you have no idea that you’re doing them when you’re doing them. The brain hasn’t put these motions into words yet, and you have no idea that you’re in a form of flight or freeze mode and that it is you that is doing it, until you do. 

I thought I was protecting myself when these instinctive reflexes would turn on. For a moment, I would get a boost of strength and it’d feel better than being a wobble. But it is only ever momentary, and the truth is, I could too easily and convincingly lie to myself about how I really felt and what I really wanted, rinsing and repeating. Undetected. 

Oof. Self gaslighting is real, and while looking like strength, it denies you of truth. 

But if this motion now has a name, then maybe I can finally detect it. …And if I can detect it, then maybe I could stop believing in and running for its temporary benefits. And maybe, it’s beginning to work.

A few months ago, I started really questioning myself as to what I really wanted in my work / career. My career has always been a contentious point because I have never really felt settled with it. I always had a lot of big ideas and dreams, always convinced I knew what I wanted, but when I quite recently realised that it wasn’t right for me, I became doubtful of ever having a dream again.

Part disillusioned and part keep-going-mode-on, in the last few years I’ve put on my practical hat and decided that I was going to be more grounded from now on. I was still that determined human, but this time I determined to be a practical one first and foremost this time.

And yet for the same few years, I have still felt stuck. Moving millimetres when I knew I should be moving more, much more. 

So there I was in that mid May weekend, unexpectedly confronting myself with some pretty big questions.

“What if you can be honest with yourself this time?”

And

“What if you could actually figure out and do what you actually love?

Something happens when you become honest with yourself. The walls in your chest that once made you feel stronger move out of the way. The blocks that once forced certainty in between wobbly feelings and thoughts, disperse. And you open up. Your heart opens up. And it’s... freeing.

Slowly, I sat there and started daring myself to wander through my ideas without restriction. And I remembered an old thought. You get one life right? Might as well go for it and do what you love. 

Hours later, I renamed this substack to its present name. A phrase I have loved since I wrote it in a tune about 3 years ago. A phrase I used to name a writing instagram I started last year “just for fun”. A line that pretty much encapsulates how I’ve felt for the past 37 years of my homo sapien life so far. And a line that despite its negative affixes, inspires me.

Because I don’t want to leave what is in my big aortic pumps unwritten anymore. Especially when I have so much more to say, and a clearer and more abundant vision in my eyes than ever.

So here goes *heart shaped hands*

Oh and in case you were wondering, here is the verse it came from *grins*

Dear cricket on the floor

What did you call me for

I'm waiting

caving in

Cheer me up and sing

Inside unwritten things

Still playing

daily.

Love, Maia