the vulnerability of starting
24th September, 2024
This year has been a bit of a confusing and maybe even a lull kind of year. So much so that it’s the back end of September and I still don’t quite feel like the year has started - *Slaps forehead*. Unlike any other year, I really didn’t know what my big goal was or what big problem I was setting out to solve this year. I was still coming off the back of the first year of “the work”, my mind and eyes were only starting to defog and my burgeoning self worth was still new so I was still umming and ahhing about my direction. The starting and stopping, the endings of many things but slowly.. Some new beginnings.
Since starting the therapy/inner work at the end of 2022, it had been a lot of time travelling. Feeling very lost in two very big areas of life, love and career, the big question of “how did I get here” was one I didn’t understand the answers to till maybe even earlier this year. Armed with so much more compassion and knowledge about my own story and psychology, so many ghosts that hovered for years and decades have moved on and this question has felt somehow and thankfully answered.
Inevitably, these endings are crossfading with some small beginnings. I wish that it’s a clean end and beginning but no, there is the confusing haze in between and here I am. And a new question is emerging - what do I actually want? And with that question in tow, sprouts new feels and fears, and the vulnerability of stepping into somewhere I haven’t been before. (Hell, even asking that question makes me want to hide under the blanket). Because maybe this question now doesn’t just mean a shopping list of things I (or my smug ego) would like, but real things that reflect my true self. (Okay now really am under the blanket!)
There is something about doing and going for what you want that is kind of revealing about who you are. It’s kind of like introducing your first or new bf/gf to your friends and they kind of go, ohh this is what you like (whether it’s true or not). Or even walking the streets with your pup because pets resemble their owners in so many uncanny ways (that was me more recently!).
What we love and want says so much about ourselves. Finding out what it is, is the first part, it’s like showing up to our own selves and that has its own vulnerabilities and surprises. But then comes the second part, letting others see that this is you. It’s untested, untried and it wasn’t a part of you before.
In the past few months, giving myself internal space to wander through ideas of what makes me happy has been new and even though it has been with just myself, it has brought small bouts of nerves. Almost like meeting someone new, you’re not quite sure how to react. Even though I look back and see my new uncertain energy, I am glad to have started to let myself meet her.
So here I am, 24th September, knowing it’s 3 months until Christmas and my own break from work for the year. We’re week 7 of team Maia + Gandalf and the absolute overwhelm of new puppy life is beginning to subside (so proud of us!). It might be time to give myself the hard line and knuckle down because maybe it’s not about ‘what do I want’ question anymore, but can I own it? And if so, can I work with the gentle nerves still showing up in my chest, even as I type these words on my tiny desk, with lil G napping on the rug he has twice had an accident on (!). Can I show people who I might not have been before, but am starting to become... now?
New beginnings don’t just mean the endings of old chapters anymore, but a step forward and further away from where I was before. This time, it’s not about the hunt for success but to build something that is truly mine. Breathe. It’s hard, but it is honest.
Love,
Maia
